Magnidude: The magnitude of dudeness

The Dude can be spotted in a few places. The Dude never falls ill, and neither is The Dude ever in a bad mood. The Dude’s room is in a mess, but The Dude can find everything he needs to. The Dude always looks spiffy, even if he does not wash his clothes; and when The Dude does wash his clothes, he never has a sock missing. The Dude never wakes up early, but The Dude is never late. The Dude never has to rely on public transport, and even if has to, he can catch the train just as it is leaving. The Dude rarely got caught in college; and even if he did, he always managed to avoid major trouble. Nobody dislikes The Dude; and even if they do, they forget about it pretty soon. Everyone laughs at the The Dude’s jokes. The Dude is always noticed at parties, and everyone thinks The Dude can dance well. When The Dude speaks, nobody is bored. The Dude always wins at poker and tennis. The Dude has a way with the ladies. The Dude is so cool that he the laws of thermodynamics do not hold wherever he goes. The Dude always has a retort/answer/witty remark. In fact, The Dude always has the last word or last laugh, or both.

Please report any sighting of The Dude in your neighborhood immediately to the nearest CCC (Coolness Control Center). We need to monitor The Dude and his activities, or else The Dude will strike without warning, leaving you dazed and confused with an infeariority complex (the condition where one feels that he or she is afraid of more things than The Dude is). If spotted, please do not attempt to reason or conduct conversation with The Dude, because he might just disappear after talking you into believing in WMDs (the Ways & Means of Dudeness). Leave the rest to DDD (Director of Dude Disposal). There is no reward for supplying information about The Dude and his movements—it is your responsibility as a citizen of this world to stop The Dude and ensure that things always appear impossibly difficult and complicated.

Save the environment: defeat The Dude.